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Post by TerdBurgler on Jan 6, 2004 1:45:01 GMT -5
Well, it's been a nice vacation for me, and the switches have been rough, but finally everything's back in order. Myself, I found that Christmas Break is much more a waste of my time than anything, but a very enjoyable waste none the less. But now back to business.
Greetings and good day, I am Terd Burgler, your Anchor here at Newscast. Without a doubt, we are all terribly happy to be back on the air once again and ....... wait a minute? Where is everyone? Who's running the camera? Who's fetching my coffee? Blast it, it's another "Muspa" incident again. Well, hopefully, within a few weeks, we'll round up most of the old gang and get back to business. For the time being, well, uh ...........
Look, I can do a dance. *does a dance*
And I can run a mile *runs a mile*
*gasp, gasp, pant* Okay, maybe that wasn't a very good idea. It seems I'm running out of things to do. Without some iminent doom or catastrophy, I really don't have much to talk about. I don't even have my co-anchors.
........ hold on for a sec. (disapears under desk) ........
(sock pupet comes up with dog ears stapled to the side) [Bad sparky immitation] "Hi, I'm sparky the dog, and here's the entertainment report. uh, Everything sucks. Yeah, I went and saw every movie ever made and they all suck. Never see a movie, ever. And don't read books either. They suck too. You should pick up chicks instead. It's a better way to spend your life. Much better than living in you mom's basement"
(new sock pupet comes up with blue hair) "Hi, I'm Moero, and you're all going to die cause I'm gonna kill you. Why!? No reason really. I'm just a PMS Beast."
(shard of metal comes up) "Hi I'm a robot, but I act just like anyone else. Hey look! Something malfunctioned and now I've become even more annoying than ever! Look at me go!"
(a sock comes up. Not a puppet, just a sock) "Hi, I'm Rev and the world is one sick, messed up place. Just look at all these trivial things happening when real stuff happenes around me all the time."
And that's Newscast for the evening. Goodnight. This is Terd Burgler and the entire sock version of Newscast signing off.
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Post by Cat-Girl Ayame on Jan 6, 2004 5:45:52 GMT -5
Awww. I didn't know you cared.
It's now time for the late-late edition of Newscast. This is for all you insomniacs who can't sleep or have just finished watching Adult Swim on Cartoon Network and are waiting for the sleep demons to attack you.
Our top story tonight is pop-has been Brittany Spears' 7 hour marrage to a childhood friend Jason Alexander (no, not the Seinfeld guy). According to early reports Brittany was just trying to be funny, but it has since been revealed that heavy alcahol use caused Brittany to believe that Mr. Alexander was actually the Fonz from TV's Happy Days. Although Mr. Alexander was unavaliable for comment, Ms. Spears' lawyer attests that Mr. Alexander did nothing to disprove the illusion, and quote: "facilitated the lie" by applying 37 bottles of engine grease and donning a black "Tigger" jacket purchased at the local Disney Store.
In other news, the now legendary TV series Family Guy may be coming back to prime-time television with a brand new season which may contain up to 35 new episodes. The head of the Fox corperation which dropped the show over a year ago, spoke to us earlier today. Fox Guy: WHY DID WE DROP THAT *bleep* SHOW? WE'VE LOST OVER $30,000,000 *bleep*ING DOLLARS! GIMMIE THAT GUN! Even though the new season is still only a whisper amoung Fox executives, the show's creator Seth McFarlane is a little more outspoken. He took some time out from rolling on a bed of silk stuffed with money and his two female escorts to speak to us. McFarlane: *insane laughter* I'm RICH! I'm RICH! Hey sweetie, I'll give you a thousand dollars to take off your top. Mcfarlane is expected to recover from his severe head trauma sometime in the next decade.
Lastly, the Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin is under seige this week by Child Welfare worrywarts. In a TV spot last week Mr. Irwin held his one month old baby son while feeding a crocodile. Although no lawsuits will be filed against him, Mr. Irwin was extremely irritated by the verbal lashing he recieved. To our crew, Mr. Irwin had this to say: "Crikey, it's not like he was in any dangah. Why I met my first croc when I was knee-high to a dingo." When asked if he would ever repeat the 'incident' he said: "Since then, the baby has stopped crying at night. So, my urge to feed the child to a croc has significantly subsided...I mean...CRIKEY! It's a beaut!" *runs to car, and tears away*
That's it for the late-late version of Newscast. Tune in tomorrow when we'll go live to Rev doing something off the wall as usual, Moero with your weather of doom, Sparky who will no doubt report on ROTK being #1 for 3 weeks straight and Terd who may or may not have been slain by Moero, Sparky, Rev, and myself.
Now, stay tuned for Cooking with Satan. Tonight's recipe is Carolina Cheese Devils. Goodnight from all of us at Newscast.
special thanks to MSN news for some of the real parts of tonights stories
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Post by Sparky the Dog on Jan 6, 2004 11:13:16 GMT -5
Evening folks. know i know that it is morning but i am drunk so i dont care. anywho i dont care about Rotk because it was not good enough to get a 5 out of 5. but anywho i have some video game reviews for you folks today. know keep in mind that the studio doesnt pay me verry well mostly because we all keep destroying the studio so these games are old but still good. First up is Kingdom Hearts by Square Soft(Square Enix) KNow this is also a disney game but none the less it is still a great game. it is about you Sora who lives on these island with other kids about around the age of 14 these kids want to leave the island but the heartless(badguess in the game) invade there island. during this envasion you recieve a mysterious weapon known as the Keyblade.after this you are transported to a place called traverse towen were you run into some FF7 and 8 characters and you also actually get to fight Squal Leonheart from FF8(known as leon in the game) it is also where you gfirst run into donald and goofy the other characters in your party. and together you quest to find Soras friends and Mickey mouse. throughout your travelles you go to different disney worlds. such as wonderland,the jungle from tarzan, agrhaba never land holloween town, atlantica, and the collosiem (from herculese, you also gett to go into Monstro(the whalkefrom pinohchio, and when you travelle to some of these words you get different characters to switch with donald or goofy f.and in the herculese worlds you get to ddo tornuments where you run into more finnalfantasy characters such as Cloud Striff(ff7) and Sephiroth(ff7) the game is pretty easy but is stilll fun and has great replay value. the hardest part of the game is trying to beat sephiroth in the coloseum since he can kill you in about 2 hits when you are level 58. so i givethe graphics are als good and so is the voice acting. so sparky give Kingdom Hearts a 4 out of 5. it is a good buy escpecially since it is a PS2 Greatest Hits now is it is only $19.95 unless bought used.
Next is a more not so old game but 2 of its predacessors are already out and the 4th comes out on jan.15 of this year. it also has a popular anime series which was great and took place before the video games, a nother anime following the game, and a manga following the video games. it Is .hack: part one infection. this is a game unlike any other it is an MMORPG simulation. you play as Kite a newby invited to the game from your friend Orca. who is one of the most popular characters in the world(note:The world is refering to the mmorpg. anywho im running out of time since im doing this in a place im not supposed to be doing this so i will finish this up later. and i also dont like making big post so look foward to the rest of the .hack: part one infection review later tonight now to you moero or rev. due to the fact that terd had an unespected fall down 7 flights of stairs, rolled out into the street was ran over about 10 times with the same car and then fell of a cliff
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Post by Tay Mation on Jan 6, 2004 13:23:13 GMT -5
Taylor Reporting! as you can all see, I have finished Ayame's new body. It was hard work I tell you what. Anyway enough with that. A few reports, First off Traffic It seems that the free way is in good condition now, but a there have been a few reports of speratic construction being done on sites that not more then a month ago had just finished with Construction! So expect some really long pointless delays here and there. Also, it appears that the traffic to the gates of Hell are terrible this time of year. Thats Traffic both in and out. for every Human who goes in, it seems there are at least three deamons coming out. What could be the cause for this? Hopefully Rev will be on the scene soon, to tell us more. And if it doesn't bother Sparky To much, I would like to do some reviews for The Game Cube, and X box, since he seems to be doing PS2 games only. Though I will wait for his reply. Wouldn't want to over step my bounds as intern/traffic reporter. Well Thats all for me now. Tay Mation signing out.
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Post by Sparky the Dog on Jan 6, 2004 19:18:44 GMT -5
well im back with the continuation of the .hack: part on Infection review. now when i left because i was bor.....i mean when i was cut off. i was talking about the story wise thing. now in the game you play on an mmorpg called the world. but you also have a computer menu where you can read email from other players (although they are all cpu's) and read up on some news. which if you pay attention to the anime that comes with the game .hack: Liminality and to what you read in the news you will notice news stories about the stuff that happened in the anime. now there is also a main page to the world where you have the choice to go back to your computer, check the message boards(which are updated although you cant post unless it is for the perpouse of moving the game along) and you can enter the world. now when you first enter the world your friend orca will help you out in the start except for when his character is data drained by the main boss of part one and enters in a coma. now keep in mind that when this happens is at the beggining of the game and you actually dont fight the thing untill the end. and you also recieve a book from a girl named arua which then turns into a bracelet and you get to data drain creatures youself. well in this part of the game series you are mostly looking for a way to get your friend out of a comma. and supposidly i am suppossed to be looking for the key of the twilight as well but i havent heard anything yet about it. the graphics are great and the voicing is good escpecially since you can put the voice in japanese because no matter what it gives you a box that will always be in english that says what they are saying. the story is good but since it is part one it means that they leave you hanging with the story. and they actually have a lot of other players(ones you cant get in your party) running around towns and for the fans of sign there are grunties in the game. a downside though is that it is short. but this is understandable to how much space all the graphics and other characters take to program in it with the story as well as the cut sceens. that is also the reason why the game is divided up into four parts. but a plus side of it is that even though you beat the main bad guy you can still play to up your character and do other things like investigate this area for bandai(producers of .hack games) and you can transfer your saved games over to the other ones(highly recemended) i give .hack: part one Infection a 4out of5 and keep in mind there is 4 games but they are only $29.99 each and the first one shouldnt be to far off of being a greatest hit. and tay i will be doing some gamecube reviews shortly as well as a weekly classic game review. as for that of thing you can feel free for i will never post that crap. i wont even buy that crap from a store when i have the money to waste on that crap i will buy it and eveything for it used i will even buy a seperate tv to play the thing on my 1980's magnavox is too good for it. and if anyone notices problems in my earlier review please notify me because i typed the whole thing with the screen off due to the fact that i was in my business communications class and was not allowed to be on the computer. anywho sparky out
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Post by Tay Mation on Jan 7, 2004 2:51:00 GMT -5
Taylor Here, with a special Report Stupid People, and why they are Stupid!
In this first part, we will be looking at Stupid Drivers. Have you ever been driving down the road. completely happy. then you have to slam on your break cause some idiot decided he wanted to make a right turn, in a left turn lane? Can people drive while talking on a cell phone and chewing gum at the same time? All these questions will be answered in this many part report.
*me outside the police station* I am here at the police station with Lt. Dan. Lt. how is it that people can drive while attempting to dress there 2 year old kid in the back seat. and Talking on a cell phone all at once?
"I only did thatonce!"
"uh...yes....So how often do you give out tickets for incompitent driving?"
"I only give them out when I thinks the people ares doing wrong"
"are you from the south?"
"Yes sir! Born And raised by my mother's appron strings, next to ralfie. He was our pet Gator"
"Riiiight"
*back in the studio* As you can see this incompitence is even infecting our local Cop Force. Which led me to think...how far does this go? Find out next time. This is Tay Mation, Signing out for now! *End Feed*
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Post by Moero on Jan 7, 2004 19:29:52 GMT -5
*cut to Moero, staring at a television screen*
A PMS Beast?
*she turns and stares coldly at TB (OS) who quivers under her glower*
You think there's some kind of a reason for all this?
*her gaze swings over to the camera, she picks up her huge gun and points it at the weather map behind her*
There's going to be some extreme weather in these areas...
*she fires three times at the map, still staring at the camera*
And also over here...
*she points the gun to her right and fires again. Screams are heard offstage*
And that's your weather for today.
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Post by TerdBurgler on Jan 7, 2004 20:20:23 GMT -5
Well, at least I got their attention. Okay, so far, I've been shot, pushed, tumbled, battered, beaten, flattened, and tickled at the most inapropriate moments. Milk coming out your nose is terribly uncomfotable, mind you. Lets see, that's two assault lawsuites, six battery, one detainment against will, and a whole lot of workers compensation. Maybe I'll be able to get that boat I wanted. Wait a minute. THAT CAME FROM THE STUDIO!? OOHHHH NOOOOO!!!!! (You people don't know how far I go to keep this place from going belly up.) Anywho, thanks to massive lawsuites, the studio is in dire straights, so if you would, please donate as much as you can to the "Terd is an Idiot" fund. I forget when you're around a bunch of insane people, they will release their anger on just about anyone. Don't come after me, it was the socks I tell you! THE SOCKS!! They're the ones who put me up to it. Moving on, for the next few days, I'll be reporting from the glamorous [bleeped out] Hospital. That's right, I'm not telling you which one because my lawyer said it would be a good idea. Anyhow, I'm here at some nice hospital where I must sayfor the next few weeks or so. They have the most delicious green jello, but behind the jello is a terrifying secret. [bleep] Hospital has been the home to several ERs, a children hospital, five endoscapies, and among other things, it's very own morgue. But what they don't tell you is what happenes in the morgue. Despite what they tell you, this isn't green jello. It's Soilent Green! That's right! The jello is people!!! PEEEEEOOOPPPLLLLLLLLLLEEE!!!!!!!! More on this after our commercial break.
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Post by Sparky the Dog on Jan 8, 2004 0:17:43 GMT -5
well i know i am safe because no jury in the world would convict a dog not even texas. all i have to do is play dumb and make terd look insane by saying that i am a talking dog when everyone that watches this show thinks i am just a computer animation. any who folks dont send money to the terd is an idiot fund because then you yes you would have to start i am a stupid idiot for sending money to the terd is a stupid idiot fund. anywho on to some entertainment ..........uh........ok people i confess i dont keep up with the entertainment news much anymore due to the fact that i am either drunk or hungover but anywho in movie entertainment arnold schwartzenager the new cali gov. was caught cheating on his wife whats her name with micheal jackson and little timmy joe the bo that was reported missing a year ago and reported dead only 3 days ago. in music news billy joel died his hair bright pink and stuck a saftey pin through his checks. no he fits the new wave image but unfortanatley he wont be able to sit down for weeks. back to you uhh...what was your name again,................*sparky passes out*
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Post by Rev on Jan 8, 2004 14:05:04 GMT -5
This is Rev, reporting live from the gates of hell. I'm speaking with the man himself, the devil, about the recent traffic problems.
Now, do you prefer Satan or Lucifer?
D: I like Lucifer, it sounds pretty.
Riiiggghhhtt. Now, what do you think is causing all of the demon traffic in the local area.
D: Well, we got a huge burst of business when a figure named Moero blew up the entire state of North Dakota. Now we got so much going in, we don't know what to do with 'em.
I see. Well, I'm going to investigate further into this story. Back to you guys in the studio.
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Post by Sparky the Dog on Jan 8, 2004 17:01:14 GMT -5
thank you for that report rev. in later news Jack Black and Will Ferrell have been married. this is what some people at the wedding had to say about it.
unknown person: well it was bound to happen and only in vegas right?
Sparky: but we arent in vegas we are in L.A.
Unknown person: whats your point?
sparky: well i guess my point is that people in california are stupid as hell
unknown person: you take that back
sparky: only californian's would make arnold schwartzenager their gov.
up: he's not are govener the terminator is
s: well im not going to get much more out of him so back to you in the studio
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Post by Cat-Girl Ayame on Jan 8, 2004 18:39:56 GMT -5
Welcome back to Newscast afternoon Edition.
My name is Ayame, and I have a special announcement today. Because of the recently seen movie "Bowling For Columbine" I have decided to make sure that we here don't pump fear into you viewers for the sake of ratings and commercial gain. From now on, we'll report only the news that is safe for you to hear and go to sleep with.
Our first story today is a new speed bump that was installed half a block off main and 32nd avenue. We spoke to little Johnny Hodgkis who lives a mere three houses from this new speed bump. Mr. Hodgkis had this to say:
Johnny: Mommy says no play in stweet. I no tawk stwangers.
little Johnny then pulled a beretta 9mm from his "Teletubbies" backpack and proceeded to fire several shots into our newstruck.
After the break, we'll be back with a story about a Mr. Pimp Daddy who allegedly is searching for several women to appear in his new off broadway show: "C'Mon you [bleeping] [bleeps] and give it up for your [bleeping] Pimp Daddy yo."
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Post by Sparky the Dog on Jan 8, 2004 22:23:48 GMT -5
you have fun with those reports ayame. but the veiwers want to be scared it gives them i safe security feeling. no one wants to know about a new speed bump. in later news i am sober!!!!!!!!!!!!this is pissing me off and i will be killing someone for every minute that i am sober starting 5 mins. ago. although i have already killed 10 the first 5 people and then the 5 police that tried to arrest me. i think they have given up by now. oh look a nother minute has passed he bob come over here
*a new intern from somplace unknown walks up to sparky*
Bob: *exitedly* do you want me to do a segment?
no bob i just want to kill you.
*with that sparky pulls a knife from god knows where stabs bob up so good that bob wishes he wasnt cut up so bad.
Bob: ughh. bughhht...wughhy?
well bob its because im sober.
Bob; ougggh kauggggghy *with his last breath sparky slits his throught*
no to someone with the weather, traffic, or other news doesnt matter witch since im sober and am on a killing rampage
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Post by TerdBurgler on Jan 9, 2004 1:30:05 GMT -5
Is it just me or are we getting a lot more violent than we used to be? Anyhow, this is Terd Burgler reporting from the [bleep] hospital where they say they'll release me in a couple days. But don't worry folks, I'm still around to do the news. The man behind the Soilent Green Jello was caught yesterday and has been identified as Mr. Baron Von Geutenheimer, but we all call him Geut. Geut was originally the one to come up with the idea and kept the whole thing a secret from the rest of the hospital. As for why the Morgue department was providing the Jello, well, we just blame that on the incompetance of the Doctors and their lack of ability to think rationaly. I caught up with Geut where I was able to have a brief interview. TB: Hello, Mr Geut, I have a few questions for you. G: I got a question for you. What happened to you? TB: Dog attack. We'll talk later. But I'm sure the world has one thing on it's mind. How did this all happen? G: Well, I was working in the Morgue when I got to thinking about what human flesh tasted like. I tried some straight of a leg, but it didn't taste that good raw. Next, I tried roasted forearm, but that wasn't very good either. In the end, I got the ingenious idea to add it to Jello. It turned out pretty good. TB: I beg your pardon, but I am a Utahn, sir, and there is no way you can improve on green jello! G: Why don't you have some? TB: Alright, thanks. Hey, this tastes kinda- HEY! This is people! G: Yeah, but it's good, aint it? TB: I'll give you that, but it's still pretty gross. Geut will be facing charges of, well, they're working on it, but all they can really find so far is Public Grossness. More on that story develops. As for now, I'll just sit here having my pudding, being that the Jello is all gone now. I missed that Jello. I mean, ever since Vietnam, I always did have a bit of a taste for human flesh. Would you please hold on for a moment while I go, uh, help myself to this fine nurse. Back to you in the studio.
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Post by Sparky the Dog on Jan 9, 2004 10:43:40 GMT -5
and you say im the crazy one. anywho apparently arnold schwartzenager is suing the studio for falty lies. so i went under cover to find the truth. in doing so i saw some things that i cant show you people for i had the lens cap on the camera. anywho i will tell you this it wasnt pretty. but dont worry folks i wont be sued for the sole purpose that they dont think im reall so rev, moero, ayame, terd, and tay are all being sued by the studio so the studio can pay for the lawsuit against california
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